I realize with some degree of misery to what extent i need you, love you, want you here, want to speak with you. Suddenly I am scared. i dont want the lights off. i dont want to sleep. i am scared. i want my back to a wall. no, even a wall is not safe from ghosts. i want my back to your chest, your arms curled around me. i want your voice at my ear by a phone which i can curl my body around, until exhaustion takes me. i try and tell myself it is just substate. i know it is more than that. if it were substate i would crave jake, and i do not. i crave you. you who has never been dominant to me or harmed me. you who has been endlessly patient. i wish i had a way to speak to you. you are likely sleeping and i am glad for you. i know i will fall asleep eventually. until then i am here with my pot of coffee. never sleep never die. suddenly, shadows and quick movements spring tears to my eyes. i am very small and i want you to hold me. i dont know the source of my terror. i beg no one in particular for help. i make deals with gods to make you come online, i threaten gods. neither works. i cry and apologize to those same gods. i want to do something, something which i think will work. the primitive magical properties assigned to routine. throw up, have a cigarette, take out a razor blade, any of those would suffice. i know you would not approve. i do none, fearing the unnamed god who watches me, blames me. my tormentor who passes judgment, come to punish me for my sins. begging is unheard. i pray i am small enough to pass unnoticed. i know i will never be small enough, my body and emotions will always spill out of their wrappings in the worst ways. i am always in excess, always too passionate. too intense. too much. hear tears come,and i find some safety in typing. if i dont stop i wont have time to see the bad things coming and they cannot hurt me unless i let them. this is sub drop, but more so than that. this is a drop none the less. i can will this away. but can i? not without you. i need you. i need something to be safe in. i find myself remembering a submissive talking about hating being made to sleep in a dog crate. i wish for one now. i wish for you to put me in a small enclosed space where i will feel safe. it need not even be done physical ways, swaddle me with words. wrap me tight in your voice and tell me i am alright even if its a lie. [ash]: your too old for this. it doesnt matter. nothing matters this is not my battle its yours and why arent you here?! suddenly my attention turns to jake and i blame him, he should be here, he shouldnt let this happen. as though he caused it or knew of its occurrence, or cared. he would only ridicule me for my fears. i turn my thoughts back to you and i need you once more. more than anything ive ever needed. i have no way of articulating the feeling in my chest, the little pain from sitting tense. the sting on my tongue from a burn. the sickness in my stomach, the cramping of my fingers, the chill from my feet, the hunch of my back, the salt of my tears, shivering i cannot stop. i push myself away from the keys i vow not to sleep, but to lay down. ill bring the phone. im going to my room so i wont wake my father, i say. i am lying when i say it but some part of me intends to make it truth. alredy i am mumbling..."He will call someone will call dont leave me alone..."